06 / 02 / 2020 — 2:45 am.

i can't sleep. the neighbors upstairs are fighting again and it's triggering the deepest part of my anxiety. it's getting harder to breathe... tried to go to him for comfort but he pushed me away, per usual. i haven't felt this empty since my brother died, and when i tried to explain it, he told me to suck it up because others have it worse than me, and if i had a problem, to go and talk to adam about it. maybe he's right : after all, adam is my best friend and he's always willing to make me laugh.

06 / 27 / 2020 — 3:09 am.

it got bad again. i started doubting my worth and kinda word vomited it out to adam. honestly i expected him to yell at me... but he didn't. i can always count on him to try and fix my sad face. he stood up and made me smile, showed me stupid memes, and showed me some stuff he was working on. i knew he was talented but not like this. for once, i forgot that my life was a shit show. i'm grateful for him and i don't tell him that enough.

07 / 07 / 2020. — 2:13 am.

gathered up to tell him that i appreciated him. he was thankful and reciprocated the same energy, then he showed me stuff about cooking. i didn't wanna sound stupid so i just smiled and nodded on voice chat, but it was the first time in a long time that i felt... safe. at peace. i was able to sleep without having nightmares. 

08 / 15 / 2020 — 4:24 am.

it's been a month now. i'm going through changes. life hasn't been so kind to me in terms of the estranged partner. found out about his infidelity back in may, on my mom's birthday and i've been fucked up since. i honestly try to move past shit but he reminds me all the time about how undesirable i've become. i tried to hide my pain by being stupid and adam just.. calls me out that i'm lying. i don't know how he does it, but.. i'm happy he can decode my silence. i never want to open up because i fear people would laugh at me, but adam has been patient. again.. really thankful for him. he deserves the world.

08 / 31 / 2020 — 1:45 am.

had an interesting birthday with the girls and my estranged partner. while he paid no attention to me, the girls and i sat there and caught up. i found myself mentioning adam a lot more than usual. maria said i sounded in love, enamoured : this isn't the first time she told me this. in january she said the same thing, but i brushed it off, although the thought did linger after. i couldn't tell him that. it would fuck up our friendship hardcore. i can't lose adam over whatever emotion i'm currently feeling. it'll go away. 

09 / 09 / 2020 — 2:19 am.

just woke up from a wet dream about him. i haven't been this drenched in years. as i write this, my heart beats loudly against my chest; i have no recall of ever being this attracted to adam. i mean, he is handsome as fuck. like... really attractive. that's unlike me to have these ideas... but i'd be lying if i said the thought of him choking me out didn't excite me. i shouldn't do this. it's only hurting me in the end. whatever i'm feeling needs to be concealed. for good.

09 / 29 / 2020 — 1:56 am.

i got a card reading done by my priestess... i'm fully aware of aphrodite being my guide. she has been for the past year and a half although i never truly paid her any mind. what creeped me out about this particular reading was the evident truth that my partner isn't my soulmate or twin flame. it's someone else, and that person has her counterpart, ares. that's who is my mate. i don't know who, and i don't want to wait. god forbid it's some bozo i hate.

10 / 04 / 2020 — 7:29 pm.

... it's adam. i don't know how the fuck to feel right now. this doesn't make sense, but i prayed with an open heart to aphrodite and the almighty — there's gotta be a mistake. not him. priestess tells me that the cards and divination doesn't lie. he was meant to be in my life. we share a soul tie, which i guess... makes sense. we're alike but so different. i remember a few years back i got signs to protect him at all costs which is what i've done. this year alone my guides have pushed me closer to him, and i have never been the type to not listen to them fully.

10 / 11 / 2020 — 3:20 am.

we've been aggressive toward one another. in a flirtatious manner. he riles me up and makes me want to fight him on the softest bed imaginable. existing with him has been so rewarding. he puts a smile on my face and it never wants to leave. the thing is... i miss him every day now. and although we speak on a daily basis, i crave his presence here, beside me. i want him. 

10 / 14 / 2020 — 1:12 am.

maria asked me if there was something i wanted to tell her about adam : i lied and said no... but if we're being honest — i do want to confess something. i am in love with him. i am deeply in love with this man. i don't know where the realization came from, but... i woke up this morning, did my regular routine, and just decided that i was in love. and the scary part of all of this is... i may have loved him even then. i may have loved him this whole time and never dived into it because i'm dumb as fuck and was too focused on the negative to see the blessing before me. i think i'm gonna tell him. yeah... i'm gonna do it.

10 / 15 / 2020 — 10:35 pm.

i did it and... i'm proud of myself. his answers were vague and confused me but i feel so relieved that i spoke up. he didn't me off as expected. 

10 / 17 / 2020 — 11:50 pm.

i ran away. i can't do this. i love him too fucking much.