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Stretchy man (“The Slimer”) took us into his mansion to get us all high on truth weed. When high, we see things for what they are- we lose our human guises, hoovers become androids, the greasy mansion walls become flawless shining Chinese steel. He needs our help taking down the government, claims this will bring us our freedom. He smells like cheese, has eggs, hates government (is government? Suspicion level 6/10, although he seems genuine in his goal to help us). Overall Yelf rating, 3 stars  

Weapons cache: Slimer shows us maps of the complex where the weapons, taken from us upon arrival on Earth20, are likely to have been stored. He assumes so as he has seen other caches of weapons taken there. Looks very metal and light-uppy. I don’t get that kind of stuff, but it looked like there were places to hide- and you know old Yelfy loves a good hiding. And loves a good hoard, especially if there’s a good sword 😊.

Robot friend! A friend for Yelf- yes, I’m not kidding! He takes pride in his work in the beautiful home and he didn’t run away from me. So we decided to hack him, because the unexamined friend is not worth having. I learned he was a robot, Lily touched him badly, but Bicep discovered that he was in a great computing zone today! He punched my friend, but I didn’t mind.  

But what’s this! FOOTSTEPS! Oh no, we were being very naughty and we were about to get caught. I did a sick backflip into chair real casual, Lily and Gary went into a different room, and Bicep pretended to be the robot(what a guy!). It all worked real well, and we were able to get out of the house- although Mr Teeth and I had to distract The Slimer with a traditional rat dance so Bicep could escape with our new lovely robot friend.  

We decided we’d take the Renault Clio over to the facility- just can’t get enough of those affordable yet luxurious features! Me and my friends (friends!) thought we should probably keep hold of the weird dead guy in the car just in case he came in handy- and oh boy, did he...........

They let me drive, and we parked on top of a hill with some lovely trees inbetween us and the complex. Occassional drones coming in and out of the forest, so fast! Robot friend brings us map of the woods with the drones flying past, we can see a perfect path. But, oh no! There’s someone else watching the map- Georgie McGeorgeboy (AKA Georgie McBoygeorge- trust no one). We had to get lost, quick, so I fearlessly cut out Bicep’s microchip and inserted it into the dead guy- I think it looked great, don’t pay attention to what others might say- and left him there with the robot to convince Georgie that was Bicep. What a plan! Time for another classic Yelf heist.  

When we got into the facility, there was this visible drone (invisible drones are everywhere, don’t doubt it) looking around, so we had to be real careful to avoid him. My strong friend Bicep went straight for the control panel next to this weird robot pod and he was so quickly able to get into it- that's why I say don’t trust computers, they protect nothing. Anyway, he was able to INITIALISE BETA FUNCTIONALITY- as far as I know, I think that just means turning the robot on but it’s kinda messed up and might explode. But take no risks and you gain no love!

Now this robot was big, bigger than all of my big strong friends put together. Bicep told it to go get the drone, and he did it! Robot tried to crush the drone itself but I guess he wasn’t strong enough- but that’s okay, my strong friend hit him with a club and BOOM! Goodbye forever drone, that’s one less of your wretched kind.  

I was looking around, you know I'm real observant, and I saw all the lights around the room had signs saying they’re the alarm system, and had a little USB slot to engage the alarms- I found the USB in the dead drone parts! And that’s why I say you should never throw anything away, you never know when you’re gonna need it.  

During all this, Gary and Lily were still in the staircase not like brave Yelf, but that’s okay, because they did a real cool jump across the room and Lily used her ghost hand(NOTE: beware of her magic) to unlock a little door. It was the toilet, which I thought was great because I've eaten a lot of eggs today so I was sort of needing one, but there was some dude on there. He was one of the guards, so automatically I was thinking oh no, we’re scuppered, but it all turned out okay- Gary did him a little knifing(typical Teeth!) and Lily made him stay there while Gary convinced him it was a friendship stab!

The guard took us to unlock the other room- the armory- and started doing this weird tick tock ritual with Gary to try and open the door. I think that was a prank though (never trust a man in uniform! Never trust) because the giant robot just unlocked it with his wire arm and then BOOM! Big guard Captian inside trying to explode us! He hit the other guard(they don’t even have loyalty to each other! How do they expect us to have loyalty to the state!) and the big big robot. Out for the count. Old Yelfo to the rescue, as expected.  

There was a lot of clubbing, and blasting, and knifing, and I definitely didn’t try and shoot him and miss. That would be shameful and I’ve never done anything to be ashamed of in my entire life, no sir. Bicep stood in front of me to save me from a big blast! Although I probably would have been fine, I’m the strongest toughest Ysoki you ever did see, it felt really nice to be cared for like that.  

Eventually we got him down on his knees (who’s the captain now!) and then made him get on the toilet while we went to raid the weapons cache. Kaching! Or should I say, cache-ing! But then the guard said with a real evil voice that there was about to be a changing of the guards and we’d all be caught....

But you’ll have to wait until next time to hear how that turns out. Only on Yelfnet!

Yelf out.  

P.S. the blog still says I have no subscribers, but I know that’s not right because everyone I meet says they’re very interested in reading Yelfnet. Can someone good with computers figure out the problem?

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