I owe you this apology. I am sorry. For everything listed, for everything I’ve ever done. For ever coming into your life. You deserve the world, and I’ve not given you even a fraction. I wish I could now that I know. 

I regret what I did, because not only am I selfish in feeling disgusting and in doing it. But I remember every moment of my lies. I regret never taking the chances I could’ve taken to just tell you. I should’ve. I don’t know why I did not. 

I regret hurting you. Lying to you, deceiving you for months on end. You have always been good to me, even now. I am scum. I became aware of everything all too late. I regret my reckless activity and understand that I lose the one thing I love most in this world as a consequence, even if it seems I don’t love you. I regret that I will have to live with my guilt for the rest of my life that I live with regret for the rest of it. I regret that I have spent so much time trying to cover myself to show a better me for you, that I can’t remember most of it.  

I regret the fact that you’ll have to someday forget about me. I regret that I didnt become a better person sooner. That I couldn’t tell the truth. That I couldn’t face losing you, for my own selfish reasons. 

I regret everything with John ever. And I know that means nothing. Because there’s no excuse. we had unfortunate circumstances. I would’ve been loyal and good to you and never strayed if we were in person. But this was the ultimate test of our love. And I failed it, miserably. I regret not trying harder for you, someone who’s never deserved it more than anyone else in this world. 

I lose you as a consequence of everything ive done to you up until this moment, and to me, every instance ive looked back on has filled me with regret and self-hate. 

I regret not listening to you, even when I should’ve. I should’ve just listened. Im an idiot. I should’ve been honest. I dont know why I couldnt have been, you never asked much of me. Youre right. I am low. The lowest of them all. I regret ever doing anything that made me that.

I regret getting on the site that night 3 years ago, because I regret ever coming into your life and wreaking havoc when you would’ve found someone better. I regret ever taking time from you. Time you could’ve used for sleep or work or health. Time you could’ve spent happy and unbothered. The worst sin to me, is stealing. I stole time from you, I stole your right to truth, I took so much of you. I regret it.

 I truly wanted to make it work this time, it was just too late. And I regret that. I regret doing everything that Made it too late for you to ever love me again, to ever want me. I regret giving you hope of what is now shattered. 

There is no saying what I did was good. What I did made you feel like a fool and an idiot for trusting me. I got so good at lying that I’d fooled myself. Id hurt people. Id become worse than people who I once thought were bad. Id become a monster. 

I became a master of illusion, just like you said. I made myself a slut. I made myself a coward. A liar. A bitch. A hypocrite. Gritty and dirty. disgusting. Distasteful. Impure. reckless. Immature. Childish. Greedy. deceitful. Hateful. And so much more my mind cant form. 

Every instance made me into the combination of a person I am. And you’re only right to see no good in it now. I cant find any if there ever was. 

I know there’s no believing me now. I will try to earn trust from you and others if ever attainable. Theres no other way to do it. 

I wont do this again because I dont want to be that person to myself, to God, to you, to my family, to anyone. I can be better than that, at least I hope. I hope that telling you was a start for me, to realize that I can’t lie my way through things. That I cant just expect things to go my way and that I need to create morals and boundaries for myself. I really wanted to be the better person for you and I finally had to face the one thing I didnt all this time. I knew I didnt just right away because I felt id lose you. I knew I would. Which makes me question why I didnt when you’d just given me the chance. From now on, if I ever have the chance I wont lie. I wont steal from you the truth. I wont make myself a slut just because I can or just because things are available. I will learn control and boundaries and I will not bend them. I do this for myself and in memory of you and everything ive done. I cant bear knowing ill hurt anyone ever again. I must be responsible and make aware that this isnt just something that happens. I dont want to be this person. I already live with the guilt. That regret emboldens and promotes me to be better. I can’t go anywhere else if im at rock bottom but up. And I plan to never go back to it again.