“Spooky Scary Listeners”

    [EXTREME][violence][plague to society][My turnoffs are evil][Dick-based morality]

    Welp, there it is. I finally found a list of every vile and shocking fantasy possible, and put all of them in a single recording. It was a challenge, but I had to get creative. Come to think of it, who requested this? I honestly don't remember. I think I was just scrolling through FSA and read something about serial killers and thought “eh, what the hell.” Hmm, it makes me wonder. Should I really upload this? Somebody might get the wrong idea and think I told them to do something. Or maybe they might just do what everybody does after a wank, get sleepy and start closing tabs. Meh, what's the worst that could happen?

    * throw something, hit something, make a noise, whatever *

    What was that? It sounded like it came out the window! Let's take a look. Oh no, it's a horde of men that had a violent sexual awakening! They are going to rape people, then they are going to rape me! Oh my gooooooooooood. Oh the humanity! It's all my fault. When that one guy complained, I should have listened. Oh lord, please forgive me! I didn't know that one man's kink limits were literally the only pin holding the fabric of society together. If I didn't make one person uncomfortable, none of this would have happened. I was a fool for assuming guys wouldn't listen to things that they don't like.

    If only there was some way to save the world. I have to think of something, or else we are doomed. Doooooooooomed. Wait, I have an idea. All of these dangerous men are only acting on latent violent urges because a recording inspired them. If they forget the recording, then they will be completely safe and never get the idea to hurt people. Off to the liquor store!

    (continued)

    * open a door *

    Mister booze dealer, there is no time to explain, we have to save the world! If we get everybody blackout drunk, they will forget their inspiration and become completely harmless. But how will we ever get them to fall for this trap? I know, I'll take my shirt off and make another recording titled “free titties and booze.” * clears throat * If you want to kill people, take a shot! Aaaaand, upload.

    It's working! They all had to obey the recording because, uhh, something about Ted Bundy. Now they are all blacked out, or tipsy enough to not give a fuck. Best thing about this is that since nobody will remember this after drinking, so I'm not going to be sued and sent to jail by the kink police.

    Wait, there is just one problem. Mister booze man, you heard everything! Oh well. Wanna get out of here and fuck?

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Your Hateful Comments Make me Hot by Krystal

A-anon what are you doing in here? [gasp] You want me to what? Why? You were promised free wank material but nobody made anything you like? Oh I see, and you only know how to use one website? That's kinda sad, anon. I do feel kinda sorry for you now, really, and the way you talk about us girls, ugh, it just gets me so hot, you know? Mm. Oh yeah, I'm a chicken shit fake camwhore.

[Fakest moans you can muster]

Fuck, I've got fetal alcohol syndrome, yes daddy, mm, oh yeah, I'm a pathetic excuse for a wank material slut. God yes when you talk about girls like that it makes us want to make you free porn. [more fake moaning]

[climax]

Oh fuck yes anon I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum reading your hate comments!

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Need a Shlick, Let Me Guide You by Krystal

Alright, I want you to listen to my voice and do as I say, and I'm gonna help you to cum

Listen closely, now.

At the top of your browser, click to open a new tab. Good, yeah, just like that.

Then I want you to put your fingers on your keyboard very very gently, and apply pressure to the keys in sequence as you type, http://pornhub.com

Smash that enter key like the little slut it is. Now I want you to use the search bar, I know you want to. Type as I say: female solo masturbation

Have you done as I've asked? Good boy, you've made me very happy so far, so I'm gonna let you choose which video.

Pick one, good boy, now turn the volume right up, close FSA, and finally, close your eyes?

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This was a protest script when we were derailed too often by Oldfags bemoaning the fact that among the 16 girls currently performing in the thread, none of them were names they recognized.

Professor OldFag's Time Machine by VK 1/2

"Hello, Professor Oldfag? Are you in here? Basement offices are so dark. Well, I wanted to talk to about my grade. <Be sexy and alluring here>I was just wondering if there was anything, and I mean anything I can do to––<Total Shock and Upset> OhmiGod! All that blood! All over your keyboard! N-no! Stop hitting your head like that! You'll break your monitor! Gee, I hope you weren't looking at one of my papers...What? Time? A time machine? You were trying to code a time machine! Stop crying, please.

<Trying to calm him down with reason>

Time machines never really work, you know. There's all these paradoxes and things that go wrong. At least that's what I've read. Where...I mean, when did you want to go? I think the time of the French Revolution, or maybe the 20s-30s in America in New York would be so cool, huh?––– 2009? You're kidding, right? [Shiver] That was high school for me. I would NOT want to go through that again. What? When you were relevant? Professor, I don't understand. Golden age? Poker room? Oh, Vocaroo! <Pause> N-no, you're confused. I don't know any of those names and that last one you mentioned sounds like a bed anyway. I'm not any of those girls.

<Be sexy and alluring here> I'm <insert thread name>. Let me take your mind off of this. Look at me. I'm a young, sexy, supple college coed offering to give herself to you and let you do just anything you want right here and right now. In this time! I could be so good for you. <pause> Um, kinda limp here, prof. Blue pill time? Let's just get you cleaned up and––--whoa! <SFX frantic keyboard tapping> What? You're kidding! You'd rather code your way out of this? Seriously? You'll be able to recreate the past this time? And it doesn't matter that you could have me, right now, for sure? <Sigh> I guess I'll go see Professor K. I don't really need to improve my grade in English, but he always takes care of me. <Air kiss> Maybe I'll be around When you get your head out of the past. I doubt it. But maybe."

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Some people accused me of autism for making my charts of the monthly performance stats.

Massaging the Numbers by Homer

[M/Pie Chart] [romance]

I know I'm a pie chart, but I need love, too. When is the last time you heard of someone masturbating to a pie chart? There's all these hot audios of sexy girls saying oh so sexy things, and then people get to me, and they lose their boners. I know I'm not supposed to create boners, but still. I'm a woman, and I have needs.

I can even turn into a woman, See? You can make statistics do anything. Have you ever watched Fox News? And speaking of doing anything, that's exactly what I'm willing to do.

So what do you say? Do you want to crunch some data? The numbers don't lie, but you can lie on top of me. And I'm guessing from that upward trend you'd like that. So come here... and right there...

<moan as entered> Oh, that's it. The numbers are coming in now, and it's looking real good. Ohhhh... keep plotting me... plotting me! Harder! I've been a bad chart! Yes... yes... more! Almost there.... now! explode me! Explode me!

<orgasm like a pie chart would>

Thank you. I won't forget that, and I hope you don't forget me. Maybe we can do this again some time? I hang out here a lot. Whenever you're in the mood for something sweet, you can just come back here for your little sweety pie...

Good. Isn't that so much better than being an asshole for no reason?

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Performer Barb and I collaborated on this one. I wrote the first paragraph and she responded. All caps was my decision.

To the Vocaroo Girl Creeper in Your Life

I know man. Of course you developed a deep personal connection after only three vocaroos. Of course. She left those little x's, those little kisses after her Vname just for you. She sounded so sweet, so innocent, and so like someone who needed your protection, your care, you. I know it's hard to fight the lure of the Vocaroo girl. I know how it is to be head over heels for a girl from the internet. They are so wild, so free-spirited and so casual about kinky sex. Best of all they can't tell how you look, act or smell. How can you resist? Why should you resist? <Dramatic Pause>

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN STALKER MIND? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! GET YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR FUCKING BASEMENT AND SEE THE WORLD! AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS, MOST OF US CAN SMELL A CREEP LIKE YOU A MILE AWAY! YOU'RE WHY WE CARRY GUNS, KNIVES, AND PEPPER SPRAY! NOT THAT I THINK I'D HAVE ANY TROUBLE OUTRUNNING A FAT NECKBEARD FAGGOT LIKE YOU OR EVEN KICKING YOUR FUCKING ASS FOR YOU. LISTEN, ENJOY AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR CREEPY OBSESSIVENESS!